How to Fail like a Winner?

Dear Students,
Being your coach( I think I deserve a National Bravery Award here for surviving three turbulent and tumultuous years with you and coming out alive in one piece ), it is expected to produce exemplary sample writing that can impress my disciples and make me worthy of the hard-earned dollars your parents' deposit through an easy transaction in my bank account every month. So, I wonder what sort of satire writing will work for enlightened minds like you? Several topics crossed my mind- political, social, and some even didactic. Later, I decided to talk about something that defines me more than anything else- failures, failures that come in a variety of forms, and each of them has one thing in common- Hurt, not the kind that hurts but the kind that the world at large chooses not to acknowledge. JK Rowling spoke about it at Harvard, Steve Jobs at Stanford, and former president Barack Obama at Wakefield High School; it almost seems like a rite of passage for me to write about it on my laptop, if not Stanford.
Aristotle postulated that man is a social animal; however, when rejection is hurled at him, he is better off as a hermit than a social since society is genuinely unwilling to serve him. Hence, it becomes imperative that he masks his pain and hurt and projects a self that the world will applaud. That is the closest he can get to being a winner. I recommend three proven ways to handle rejection or failure-
Buy hot pepper- Not the Carolina Reaper or a Moruga Scorpion kind(you are already quite bitter from the inside), but the type that triggers your already burdened lachrymal glands and opens the floodgates. People find tears a sign of weakness(a defect that cannot coexist with their flawless self), and Boy, I must say- the world doesn't take too well to your weakness. They like superheroes, such as The Black Panther and the Wonder Woman type, and all the baloney they do with such ease and aplomb. So I recommend you have a bowl of comfort food- maybe Maggie tempered with a robust hot pepper. The first spoon will put you on fire and flood your eyes with such intensity that people will sympathize with you in a good way, without judgment. Cry your heart and gut out, and the imputation can be passed to the green chilies. You probably cry more than required, which is okay- it's a make-up for all the previous rejections, too.
Show some grace- Now, with a light heart, shift your attention to your body, which is overheated with angst for your adversary, the person in charge of the homicide of your dreams. Painstakingly, congratulate your rival, the rejectionist, the villain of your story. Ensure you commend him or her in public because, as I explained earlier, the world finds that virtuous, brave, and ennobling. This requires some elegance and precision because you never know when the fingers tighten into a fist and then into a punch. So, exercise utmost caution. Pat his back, spread a wide grin, inflate your chest, straighten your shoulders, and fake your words; caramelize them so thoroughly that it almost becomes difficult to differentiate between the winner and the loser, and the crowd starts feeling inspired by your humility and grace. Once you are back in your private space, resort to profanity and let the Vesuvius within you erupt.
Lastly, remember social media. That is where the crowd congregates to celebrate de novo, a holy grail where people prostrate virtually and massage the winner's ego with their fingers and hearts, quite customarily. Dare if you miss that place, your end is near. Soon, you will be forgotten and as good as dead or better, never existed. You don't want that to happen; you want to ensure people know you are there and you are breathing, going for a shower, eating ice cream, and buying groceries at Amazon Fresh. How can you not let people know? Doing that will rob their purpose of existence... as well as yours. After all, what is more to life other than to let others know you exist and get to know that others exist and that we all exist? So, before you lose your sang-froid and commit this felony, grab your device, log in, and Bingo! Start with Google, excavate quotes on grit and resilience, something of the type which calls failures as stepping stones, the kind that comes from famous personalities like Elon Musk or Lebron James, Boy I must say they are pretty famous, or Steve Jobs, Boy I must say he is pretty revered, or you can also resort to Mahatma Gandhi or Nelson Mandela for that legendary touch, or safest- Albert Einstein( we can't get wrong here), or if it is a once in a lifetime creation of your mind, say anonymous or Mom- that works well too without running the risk of being chided or derided.
Anonymous is sagacious, and Mom is divine. Moving on, I am sure you have enough photographs of a rising sun or the setting sun, a crescent moon, or a full moon. Any of those will work. Sun has maintained its numero uno position of being emblematic of hope and new beginnings; it never goes out of fashion. Paste the caption, upload your picture against a rising sun, and unleash it on all the social media handles. This trick always works. It seals the deal, and you can be assured of getting a decent amount of likes to the extent that you risk partial amnesia about your failure.
Once all the formalities are done and normalcy is restored globally, get back to your space and start licking your wound. Once in a while, make an appearance at the South Coast Plaza in resplendent colors, carrying Gucci or Giorgio Armani or Olive Garden, feasting on Chicken Marsala or a Shrimp Alfredo. Be the first to Hi-Five and compliment the other on how glad you are to see them. Engage in Hi-how-are-you, long-time-no-see, yeah-it's-been-hot, keeping-busy, etc., etc. Do not conflate it with anything bonafide; keep the yeah-umm-hmmm-right-ask me-totally going because neither do you care about their black holes nor do they wish to unsettle themselves with yours. When they disappear, you vamoose to your own space, because Boy, I must say-Failure hurts and YOU NEED TIME. You don't need to be stuck in a rut all your life, but you need time to heal, get back, and face the world again. It all doesn't disappear in a jiffy, the way the world wants it to. In doing all this, you will ultimately realize that the social animal has mastered the game so splendidly that he has become the loneliest like everybody else.

Image courtesy-Pixabay


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