“I am wondering how will I fart post the wedding? What if he hears? Oouuchhhh! What will he think about me? All the romance will be flushed out right there. So unsophisticated! But, you tell me, a fart is fart is a fart. A body mechanism and how am I supposed to hide it forever?” I looked at my laptop screen in disbelief( Yeah! I was reading -How to have amazing sex every time!) while my bestie poured Harpic around the rim of the commode in our bathroom and mockingly answered “he would also have all kinds of noises coming out of his body, so, just chill!”
I remembered this conversation today, early morning, when I let out the infamous fart while stuck in a yoga pose(Bhujangasan) right in front of my husband, Kuchipoo(his puppy pet name given by me), for 5 years. Because we sit opposite each other while doing these aasanas, it caught his attention for a millisecond and we moved on. The fart disappeared in the humdrum of regular life.
I remembered my days just after my wedding where I would try to drown the weird sounds coming from my body by opening the tap next to the commode, flushing right at the time, and flush again in case the sounds persisted and above all coughing when nothing else seemed to work. I would spray the toilet before I left lest the Odonil betrayed my trust.
Somehow for a year and a half I survived but the pregnancy brought out uncontrollable, untimely, loudest farts and all I could do was sit in embarrassment and wonder. The first time it happened was nothing short of a scandal. I am one of those effeminate and fastidious people whoes major goal in life is to be PROPER no matter what happens. In front of the husband, the partner the goal became larger than the word itself. But, how long could I have sustained this delicacy and daintiness? As the days passed, from a stained underwear to a stained apron, from a loud fart to a silent burning smell of food, all the ideas of perfection went out of the window and I was left with ‘me’.
The good part, with time, this ‘me’ settled with my husband and found her own space in his heart and life just the way he and his sounds, including the thunderous snoring, found in mine. ‘Pretense’ is a laborious task and I sucked at it. My energy and will power, my ‘PRIM n PROPER’ forever idea vanished in thin air for I realized after my first few successful farts that this is unworkable. I guess when you start living with someone, any kind of charade is futile. You see, marriage is not about perfect situation for perfect couples, it is a real-life situation for imperfect couple living an imperfect life and yet finding peace, happiness and companionship to last a lifetime. I do not know the secrets of a happy married life nor I am interested in unraveling any. The journey of everyday, unfolding into the known and unknown is good enough. Marriage, as they say, is not a noun but a verb and to me this verb goes beyond candle lit dinners, raunchy sex and red roses on Valentine day. I don’t say they are not important but what happens when you suddenly fart while caught under the sheets with your partner trying a 'pawanmukt aasan'? Think about it! Burst into laughter and start it all gain…isn’t it? Not all love stories sound perfect.